disclaimer: writing after ages. notice this time, i've completely skipped the grammar side of things. the reason, not because i'm trying to seem rebellious of any sort, but because it feels a bit more personal and raw, like the thoughts in my head
lately i've been reading a lot on the internet; not books, but things like instagram captions, poems, scripts, blogs and articles. what's caught my attention is, most of this revolves around love, how we fall in love, how we feel when we're in love, how we fall out of love, or how we grow & learn in love. i guess it is a fundamental part of us, not just people, but the entire universe when you think about it. i often loose myself thinking about love, and helplessly, love always come with a person or two in my mind, which is fine, but sometimes, this gets in my way of embracing solitude. i believe i've grown up with a very social life, while being independent and introverted. it's funny how things in life are grey and even that grey has more than 50 shades. i'm this contradiction of a whole lot of things, and the one contradiction that juggles my feelings for being in love, is how ambition runs in my head and compassion in my heart- a lot of what i'm saying right now may not be making sense to you, but that's how thoughts run in my head, and i'm just pouring it out, unfiltered
ambition has been that one thing which pushes me to get up and get things done. it has kept me moving forward in life, however, compassion has been the other thing that sometimes overlooks ambition and takes me on a different path. how this connects to love, is the definitions these contradictions create for me. for the ambition in my head, love is the love within myself, and for the compassion in my heart, love is what I give and get from others. caught up between the two, in the coming days, i've decided to incline slightly more towards the love within myself. doesn't mean I plan on being heartless and uncompassionate, but I want to be more comfortable with the company I hold with myself, so that when I am with someone else, I do not seek anything from them other than their company, and just be able to maintain relationships without asking for anything but their genuine selves. because at this point in time, I feel like whenever I meet someone i'm building relationships based on how they can be beneficial to me, my career or my future, and I do not want that to be the reason for why I know someone. i'd rather know someone because they smiled at me at the train station, or because they purchased a triple shot espresso at 5pm, or because they just spent 5 mins staring at the tea aisle at the grocery store. so, to be a bit more selfless, I guess I need to bit more comfortable with myself
so this is what all that you've read so far is about- self love. I could've just jumped right into it after disclaimer, but then you wouldn't have known that I'm a contradiction, that my thoughts flow faster than the rivers in Nepal, and why it is so important for me to be a little in love, with myself first
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